i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
