I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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