Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
