That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
