You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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