Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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