No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
