I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
did i just pee glitter
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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