Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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