1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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