I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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