so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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