Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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