Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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