Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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