We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My feet surprised me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
