bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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