Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
