You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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