Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dear god my vagina.
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