Im at strip club and am horny
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
