My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
