my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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