it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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