I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
