Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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