does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
