I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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