wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
