I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
