I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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