I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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