...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
