In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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