I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
