My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
