I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
