Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
