Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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