benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
