Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
