im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
