I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
