so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
