i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you inspire me to be a worse person
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
