You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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