I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
