i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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