seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
