By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
